Thursday, June 4, 2009

These Cliches Are For Your Own Safety

It has come to the attention of the Screen Characters Guild that preventable fatalities amongst horror film characters are at an all time high. Many characters, even protagonists and persons played by famous actors, have demonstrated a complete disregard for standard safety guidelines. It now falls upon the SCG to remind you that these practical precautions and handy rules of thumb are designed with your own safety and well-being in mind.

Please review the following brochure carefully. With luck, we hope to see you in a sequel.


If you hear a noise, thinking the killer is nearby, go silent immediately. It will actually turn out to be something else.

Whereas if you say you hear a noise you greatly multiple the real risk. Should someone else replies something like “it was probably just the wind” it will never actually turn out to be the wind or any other benign explanation offered. It will turn out to be the killer. If anyone says “I didn’t hear anything” than you are especially screwed.

Other phrases that can doom you and your entire party include:

Do not announce any phobias or weaknesses. It will only be inconvenient later when are forced to overcome them.

The first time you are attacked or chased by the killer, your boyfriend/husband will not believe you. That’s just normal. There’s a good chance you’ll shortly be vindicated by the killer unexpectedly murdering him. However, if he still doesn’t believe you after the second or third incident, I have bad news. He’s the one trying to kill you for insurance/inheritance money. If the frightening incidents you are experiencing are particularly strange and mysterious, count yourself lucky; your significant other is plotting to drive you insane instead, which gives you considerably more time to fumble about in distress before you have to buckle down and fight back.

Do not respond to any invitations from eccentric millionaires. Psychiatric experiments, even when they pay well, should obviously be rejected. Never, ever go camping. Do not visit any haunted houses or agree to look after any remote locations. If anyone describes the history of a place, avoid going there. Don’t even enter your attic or cellar (unless you have a nice finished basement) or any room where the light switch doesn’t work. Do not clear dust and cobwebs off anything. If you are in a place with lots of dust and cobwebs, leave.

Pay extremely close attention to local legends and any references to objects that could be used as weapons. Allow yourself to be regaled by old-timers, especially if everyone else regards them as crazy. If anyone starts to talk about their past, especially if involves a trauma or transgression, make a note to keep your distance. Express the utmost interest in hearing out any longwinded description of the how villainy against you was engineered.


If someone mentions that they have a twin, dead sibling or long-lost relative, avoid them and anyone who looks like them. Beware of people loudly proclaiming that they run a successful enterprise of any type. They are actually in a great deal of debt and are probably planning to kill you for your money. Treat with suspicion anyone who does not have a clear motive to be the killer. Most importantly, do not have sex with anyone. Let me repeat that: NO SEX.

Remove any keys from your key ring that do not correspond to your house, a potential escape route or a vehicle. It would also be wise to label your keys clearly and make sure they have distinctive shapes that you can distinguish in the dark and under stressful conditions.

While we’re at it, make sure to keep your gas tank full and your car battery charged. When driving, never take any detours or pick up hitchhikers. If you must pick up a hitchhiker, do not proceed to turn on the car radio and listen to news bulletins. It is highly recommended that if you even find yourself driving anywhere with a group of friends, to just turn around and settle for a subdued little get-together at a crowded, well-lit pizza parlor. Do not invite your ex.

And remember, safety is the responsibility of everyone.
Well, except the killer.

7 comments:

Derek said...

Brilliant!

Walrus said...

Thanks Derek! How are you doing up in Chicago? How long do you think you'll be staying? Katie and I might be looking to move up there in a year or so.

Nigel M said...

Excellent post Walrus and so true! That lot certainly put a smile on my face before work.

Nigel M said...

Oh and one more for the list- never be John Morghen because if you are John Morghen then there is little chance of you being in the final scene.

Walrus said...

That's a good point. Everybody knows about how you can recognize the final survivor and the 'mysterious' killer by identifying the two most famous actors, but you can often times call all the victims, too, if you've seen them get killed in dozens of previous movies!

Wouldn't it be great if IMDB kept track of the % of films where the actor makes it to the end alive?

Kathryn said...

I enjoyed this one. The only thing it needs is really bland illustrations!

JDP said...

"Fatalness of Statements" would be a great band name.

In the absence of this, I'll settle for a side-splitting-laugher-inducing graphic along the lines of what you produced.

Well done.