A friend brought my attention to how Abbott and Costello never actually go
to Mars in Abbott and Costello Go to
Mars and I got to thinking about the way different movie titles lie or
mislead. I asked my coworkers to throw in some suggestions. Here’s a list of
some favorites:
Abbott and
Costello Go to Mars – Except that they don’t. They go to Marti Gras and Venus.
The Greatest
Story Ever Told – I’ve seen better. Frequently.
Troll 2 –
Not only isn’t there an ‘original’ Troll movie, there aren’t even any trolls.
The movie’s about goblins.
Curse of the
Cat People – This “sequel” to Cat People has neither curses nor cat people.
It’s actually a rather touching story about a child whose dead mother becomes
her invisible friend.
Only Angels Have Wings – What about birds, bats, some insects, planes, pegasi, dragons, large estates, libraries, theaters, windmills, soccer teams, Paul McCartney and Hooters?
Armageddon –
The title promises one thing, and then the movie deliberately doesn’t give it
to you.
The Last
Picture Show – This came out in 1971 and there’ve been bunches since.
White Men
Can’t Jump – Patently untrue.
The
Neverending Story – More accurately The 1 Hour 42 Minute Story. Hmmm… not as
catchy.
Boys Don’t
Cry – While it’s true that boys don’t have emotions, they often cry when
chopping onions.
Mission
Impossible – Unless they make a movie about Tom Cruise trying to divide by zero
or something, it would be more honest to rename the franchise Mission
Improbable.
They Won’t
Believe Me – Spoiler: They do… only too late.
It’s a
Wonderful Life – It’s kind of eh.
To Kill a
Mocking Bird – The early screenings had a lot of disappointed hunters expecting
a documentary.
A Thousand
Clowns – Falls 999 clowns short.
I, Robot –
Though the title comes from Isaac Asimov’s short story collection, the film is
actually an adaptation of Jeff Vintar’s Hardwired (but considering that
Hardwired takes place within a single room, it’s not very faithful to that
either). The movie is about robots rebelling and killing, the exact opposite of
what they do in Asimov’s works: serving and protecting.
Dead Man
Walking – Not a zombie movie.
Serenity – One
of the least apt spaceship names in science-fiction.
Back to the
Future – Should really be Back to the Present and, besides, they travel to the
past.
Can’t Hardly
Wait – A movie about a bunch of high school graduates, none of whom are eagerly
anticipating college. They’re either stuck in the past or living in the moment.
Cat on a Hot
Tin Roof – Sounds like it ought to be a great youtube video, but it’s actually
about Elizabeth Taylor shrieking and Paul Newman sulking.
The Longest
Day – Set on June 6th, 1944 although the longest day in 1944 was
actually June 21st.
Fidelity – It’s
more often about the opposite.
Eyes Without
a Face – More a case of too many faces than too few.
Brazil – Not
set there; not a single scene.
To Have and
Have Not – “Adapted” from the novel by Ernest Hemingway if by adapted you mean has the same title and a few characters with matching names. The plot was shamelessly plucked from Casablanca.
Made in the
USA – A French film.
